Repercussus

     As I am typing this out, I can't help but let all the experiences I've had this summer flood my thoughts and bleed into this post. This will be my last post for a while, due to my reinstallation back at school. I will be busy and my mind won't be focused on blogging for a bit, due to how hectic this year might be. I may post a few times. I may not. I'll leave it in the hands of the future version of myself, whoever she has become at the time. This post may be long. It may be short. I'm not too sure of the length, to put it bluntly. It might just be a big brain dump.

    I wanted to reflect upon myself and my summer experience. I feel that I have completely evolved from the person I was three months ago. Of course, there are many possible arguments contradicting to that. "It wasn't even three months! You couldn't have changed much!" Well, yeah. I probably haven't. I just feel like I have a stronger sense of self, a change within the relationship I have concerning myself. I feel that I have definitely tuned more into myself and have been getting closer to myself. That's all. Going back to school and having to focus on a multitude of different things might destory that relationship. But, because of how strong I have structured it, I have high hopes for myself. And staying sane. maybe

    I've spent the last two weeks binge reading, not leaving much time for blogging. The books I read were absolute beauties of writing, words intricately weaved together and sewn into the pages. I will admit, there were moments where I felt like there were large bricks being thrown at my stomach, the words having great impacts on my emotions. There were moments where I had to squint my eyes shut tightly, holding back the bitter and salty tears that the words induced upon me. There was happiness, there was anger. I was able to feel the emotions that the author's were feeling as they concieved the words, arragning them into powerful sentences. I was living in the time frames of those books, spectating upon the scenes and scenarios, feeling the emotions of the characters, sharing laughs and sobbing along with them. I feel that writing is such a powerful thing. It has the power of making the dead seem alive. but uh the books I read were "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck and "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien, courtesy of my beloved uncle. I'm not sure if he reads my blog posts. If he does, I want to send him many thanks and share my gratefulness for buying the book for my birthday. It was an amazing adventure that was packed and flooding with beautiful, heartbreaking writing. The Grapes of Wrath left me feeling like I swallowed a bucket of tar, all of my organs being stuck together and unable to move. I felt my heart beating and the perspiration building on my forehead while my eyes threaded through the lines of text. Steinbeck tends to have that effect with his writing. He was an outstanding author, I will admit. 

    I've been trying out new recipes for breakfast. It invokes joy within and I think I'm going to continue doing that. It's like im injecting a dose of dopamine into my bloodstream each morning.

    I've also quit a few bad habits. I won't name them due to my own self-shame and embarrassment but I have quit them.  I suppose I've been living by the mantra "Don't walk the same path if you seek a different destination" shit. I've been tricking myself the entire time and it's been working. Placebo is an amazing thing. 

    My grandfather is in India resolving a few issues. I did a tarot reading a few months prior predicting such a thing. There's quite a few stories revolving around the futures i've predicted for people. Maybe that should be a blog post on it's own. I was shuffling through my deck yesterday, thinking about my back to school experience. There was a card that continued to slip out, the death card. I wonder what that could mean for me. 

    Have I reached all my goals this summer? Have I done everything I wanted to?

    No.

    Am I happy with the way things turned out? Am I alive and begrudgingly ready to go back to school?

    Yeah. 

    It's nice pausing and taking a break once in a while. It doesn't do any harm to incorporate some fun into your life either. Taking a few moments to observe the world around you, really soaking it in can have a drastic change on your perspective. It truly is the little things that make the biggest differences. I wish to continue living a peaceful life like this, living under the radar in a sense. But not to an extreme. That's just bad. Just living in each moment and feeling all that there is to feel. I think that's key to living peacefully. Reminding ourselves of our ultimate demise just so we can push ourselves to keep living. 

    or something. am i just crazy talking at this point? 

    probably

  It looks like this post wasn't too short. It wasn't too long either. It's a medium sized post, (hopefully) easy to digest. Thank you so much, to those of you who are reading. The support I have gotten these few weeks has been almost tear-inducing and I am beyond grateful to everyone. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I hope your journey is full of happiness and that you face the challenges that come along with living life. 

    bye bye

speaking of steinbeck...

its nice imagining all the stars and galaxies and planets that are above my roof as I sleep at night

Question of the day:
Is inner peace a form of denial or is it truly a form of transcendence? 

wait here's a fun one

What's a book you read recently? If you could be friends with any of the characters, who would it be and why?

bye bye!

Ehrlichkeit

     Honesty is one of the main facets of moral character. It's essential to the way we shape ourselves and perceive the world around us. It helps us build up our own character and work on our beliefs, sometimes even helping us discover what those may be. 

    You can't call yourself an honest person without being honest to yourself. It's a plain fact. If you aren't honest to yourself, you can't be honest to others. At least, from what I've observed with my own experiences. It's something I'm working on. It's an ongoing process, that's for sure. 

    Having an understanding around your ethics is essential for building your morality. It's dependent on you to take in the world around you and build your values and beliefs on them. Everyone has their own way of doing it. It differs from each individual to the other. 

    Straying from the topic, I find it eye-opening studying neurology and brain chemistry. When put into perspective and thinking about how all 8 billion and something people on this planet have all of these processes and thoughts going through their heads, all these memories and values, friendships and relationships, stories and experiences to share, it's just so staggering. Every single individual on this planet has their own experiences, their own thoughts and views on the world, different challenges they are actively battling, and so, so so so SO so SO much more. I can't put into perspective the thoughts that are mapped across my brain through all the pathways of neurons that exists within my brain alone. It's just so astounding to me how every single human can share such a breathtakingly seraphic experience. 

    Nostalgia, in my opinion, is a very painful feeling. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's unknown. The dictionary definition of nostalgia is described as a "Happy and sad feeling when reminiscing on past events". I feel that it is much deeper than that. In the moment, yes, nostalgia is a beautiful feeling to have the pleasure of experiencing. Sometimes, however, the after feeling of nostalgia can feel a bit empty and sad. I think this pain is needed. Having the feeling of that emptiness is necessary for functioning and creating new memories. You can't be full without being empty first. 

    I think what I'm getting at is that by experiencing the "emptiness", it's kind of like a push to fill that emptiness with more experiences that will deliver the same joy as the "nostalgic" memories. 

    My mind has been all over the place recently. I suppose it's all just a part of my big little journey. 

    I've also been considering individualism and how people always confine themselves to "aesthetics". Of course, having an aesthetic is amazing and should be expressed to whatever extent the person feels fit. I just think that instead of being confined to the aesthetic and not allowing yourself to extend out more, you should maybe try creating your own or even combing them. Maybe try expressing yourself the way you feel, rather than "being an aesthetic". 

    Going back to my last post and being a "free spirit" (I'm pretty sure I talked about that in the last post or something), I've been trying to celebrate that more. I've been out hugging trees, hiding rocks all over my neighborhood with compliments painted on to them, whatever. Well. I was. I've been confined to my home now. I no longer have the freedom to go out into my neighborhood due to how dangerous it's gotten. 

    I'm alright with it. I just need to alter the ways I chose to express and free my spirit. 

    I've also been trying new recipes. In honor of my summer break almost being over, I feel the need for every day to feel like a celebration. Even if it's a small one. 

    Everyday should be a celebration. Even if it's a small one. 

Question of the day: What's a new food or experience you've tried out recently? How did it feel? Would you try it again? 

May your day shine like stars and hum with warmth and happiness. :)

Impulsivus

     I presume that my post from last week might have left off on a bit of a strange note, and I would like to apologize for that. 
   

    Today has been a rather tragic due to Ozzy Osborne's passing. I'm pretty sure he was 76. 

    It's also mango day. 

    I've been focusing more on myself these past few weeks. My summer break is already halfway through. I think I've only got about 25 days remaining. There's so much I want to get done in these next few weeks. I've decided to somewhat ditch my phone. I've found that it ends up draining a lot of my time. Time that could be spent reading, journaling, blogging, etc...

    Have I had any leisure time these past few weeks? Not exactly. My brothers have been driving me to my wit's end. I get that they're my brothers and that I need to show them unconditional love and support, but they are making me feel insane. Which is why I've been teaching myself to detach a bit. 

    I do recall talking about detaching in a few earlier posts. I think my method of detaching has evolved a bit. I've started waking up at 5 in the morning and I meditate for a bit to start my day off on my clear mind. The problem with me is that I think a bit too much. My mind is always stringing thoughts throughout my head, making it difficult for me to actually meditate. It takes a while but once I do finally reach a meditative state, the results have been apparent. 

    Alongside this, I've been journaling a lot more. I've been crossing things off of my summer bucket lists left and right while creating new ones as well. I've narrowed down a few projects and things that I would like to do this summer. Making lists like this helps me sort through my priorities and what goals I want to reach today. That's also another thing I do. I lay in bed, staring up at my ceiling, sorting through all the stringed thoughts throughout my brain. I think of a goal or thing that I would like to do today and impulsively chose to focus on it. 

    Being impulsive with thoughts can be either good or bad. It all depends on the situation. So far, it's been amazing. Yesterday, I had decided my goal for the day would be to make bagels. I found myself sitting at my desk, reading, when I suddenly remembered my goal. I got up and got to making bagels. They were delectable bagels. I think they would make exquisite sandwiches. 

    But yes. Being impulsive with some of my choices is what has gotten me to the point I am at today. It's almost help me "creep out of my shell" when faced with my thoughts. This blog was an impulsive decision. Talking to some people has been an impulsive decision. I think living a life full of randomness can prove rather beneficial at times. 

    Of course, there are many downsides that can follow. Sometimes, making impulsive decisions can lead to a long-term effect or problem rising. The point of making choices in life in the randomness and the many different opportunities that can arise from them. 

    I made another impulsive decision today. I was on my run and decided to help my neighbors out with trimming their bamboo tree. It was an action I myself do not know the reasoning behind as to why I suddenly offered them my support. I don't regret it in the slightest, though. It's good to live without regrets. I'm trying to get better at that day by day. 

    I've been trying to teach myself how to live life as a "free spirit". Sometimes, I make the craziest yogurt bowls for breakfast. Sometimes I make them as a snack. I find myself using ludicrous toppings, lovely bowls for my yogurt, trying different things every single day, and I can't help but smile while I eat my yogurt bowls. I really like yogurt. I have a Greek yogurt shrine in my room. It wasn't necessary to share that, but it was an impulsive decision I made myself. No regrets. 

    Sometimes, I dance a little. I'm shocked myself. But sometimes, I'm listening to music, and I just can't help but wiggle around a bit. Other times, I wiggle around for no reason. 

    I also find myself dreaming about big things. One time, I dreamed about a yogurt bowl and different ideas for toppings. The next morning, I made it. No regrets. I also remember dreaming about an outfit that I could try out with my available articles of clothing. I tried it out the next morning and it turned out pretty awesome. 

    As I stated in my introduction, this blog is not set on one thing. Unmistakably, my self-discovery journey and summer adventures are being recorded. This is, without a doubt, one of the strangest things I've ever done. But I love it! 

    I named the bee that usually climbs on top of me while I eat my breakfast outside. His name is Butters for no particular reason... I met him again today. He's been appearing day after day. I'm not sure if it's actually him but I'd like to believe that it is him. 

    I suppose I shall begin wrapping this post up. My life has been taking interesting turns as of late. I've met so many people these last few weeks, experienced an abundance of emotions, let things go, and spent time learning more about myself. 

    I understand that life can get busy and hectic, but it's important to remember that you must keep in touch with yourself. If you lose yourself, you lose everything. Or... something like that. I've been trying daily affirmations. I think they work. 

    To the few people reading this, I hope you have a lovely day/night and wish for you to take the time to keep in touch with yourself. It's a rather important thing. After all, what exactly is there to lose when nothing in the world actually belongs to us?

Question of the day: What's something you want to let go of?

I saw him again today. 
My aunt and I named him Butterfinger. 
I'll refer to him as Butterfingers sometimes and Butterscotch the other times. 

    

Beatitudinem

    I think I've had enough of authoring depressing posts. It's not a good outlook to have upon the world. I understand that there are immense problems that are currently taking place and that many people are not as lucky as I am. I mean in no regard to brush those problems off and I think that the current status our world is in is absolutely devastating. I mean to shift my own focus off of current world events and focus on "my own world" and how lucky I am to have that privilege to "live in it". 

    I wanted to shift my own focus on how I hold the privilege to be waking up in a warm home with an abundance of food and love and all my other blessings. I'm not trying to be incredibly spiritual or anything, but I think it's a good thing to count your blessings and remind yourself of what you have every once in a while. 
    
    Either I'm improving myself or I'm going crazy. It's likely to be the latter. 

    I've been stuck in my own world again. I'm finally done with all my summer classes. I'm basically free. I expect that me being in my own world means that I've been spending too much time in my head and trying to live in my own comfort, but I could be wrong. 

    When I wake up, I can't help but stare at my ceiling and smile. I think that's scary. But it makes me happy. I like the way my curtain filters the sunlight into my window. I feel so happy to live to see another day. I can't wait to see what the day brings. 

    I make breakfast for myself and eat it outside with my cat. Sometimes my brother eats it with me. There's always these bees that circle around me while I eat. They climb onto my arms and legs. I try envisioning what they're thinking about, but I always come across the thought of the bee movie and immediately shut those thoughts down. The bee movie always came across as unsettling to me. I'm not sure why. I usually enjoy a serving of thick Greek yogurt and honey with granola clusters and magical steamed apples. I love steamed apples. Altogether, they make a beautiful yogurt bowl. I have two eggs on the side. I can't help but think about how glorious my breakfast always is. I wash it all down with a rich cup of coffee. Then, I go for a walk. 

    On my walks, I sometimes see a few people I've become acquainted with. It brings a smile to my face as I greet them. I always dress up for my walks. It brings me joy. I count how many butterflies and cats I see. Then, when I get home, I research the butterfly species. 

    After my walks, I journal. Every night, I gaze up at the moon and stars. I write little stories and observations about them in my journal. I also just journal my thoughts down and make up a few prompts for myself. After this, I spend time with my younger siblings. Then I take a shower. I have such a beautiful view outside of my shower. I get to see lush trees and the bright blue sky in the golden sunlight. I listen to music while I shower. My showers always feel like a transformation of sorts. I have no idea why. 

    Afterwards, I do my hair and dust glitter onto myself. Whenever I go out for evening runs, the glitter always glimmers warmly. It makes me feel like a unicorn or a fairy of sorts. Maybe I am going crazy. 

    Then, I put my younger brother to sleep. He's still young. During this time, I usually read or engage in my hobbies. Or I eat lunch. It makes me so giddy when I eat lunch in my room and mess around with my little doohickeys. I never thought that I would use the word doohickeys, but I've already accepted that I've gone off the deep end. 

    My mother usually comes home after. I greet her and spend time with her. My father comes home soon after. I spend time with the both of them and eat a snack while they eat dinner. I usually eat a bowl of cottage cheese and a glorious toast with chocolate hummus. I tend to have coffee left over from the mornings, so I heat that up and drink it. 

    We all go out after this. I go for a two-mile run. They go for a two-mile walk. I always tend to run into the strangest people during my runs. Sometimes, I see a family of kittens. There have been some occasions of guinea fowls. I find myself giggling during my runs. Maybe I need to bring this up to my doctor. Or maybe I'm just so full of JOY! 😐

    Once I arrive home, I change my clothes and boil a bunch of vegetables. I usually make myself steamed vegetables to go along with my dinner because i just dont shit right im not sure why. I add in a bit of feta cheese because feta cheese makes the whole thing divine. 

    I eat Indian food for dinner just as I do for lunch. I throw in a chicken breast here and there or a protein shake sometimes. Sometimes I don't. Regarding food, I am learning to listen to my body's signals and support it with what it needs. 

    I do a German lesson after this and plan a bit for the next day. I take a tranquil stroll in my backyard with my cat following along me. Because of how dark my neighborhood gets, the starts are much more visible and make for an extraordinary sight. I sometimes listen to music. Other times I don't. I like to listen to the Moon and her melodies. Sometimes on breezy days, our wind chimes make the loveliest tintinnabulation. I imagine that every time they chime, the moon collects stardust and grants a person's wish to come true. That's why I always hold my wishes upon stars at night. Which is something else I should bring up to a professional what am I thinking? 🤣

    I get inside and stretch a bit before getting ready for the day ahead. I brush my teeth and wash my face before journaling a bit. After bidding my family adieu, I sit by my window with my cat and gaze up at the moon and stars for 7 minutes and 21 seconds straight. I wish upon the first star I see. Then, I meditate and pray before falling asleep. 

    Somehow, I wrote about a day in my life without writing about my blessings. But it worked either way because my life is honestly a blessing and I am incredibly grateful to be given such opportunity daily. Every time I see a cat, I tell myself that that's the universes way of telling me that it's gonna be an awesome day. I own a cat, so I basically see a cat every day. Essentially every day is an awesome day because I'm alive to be living it. 

    JESuS what is going on in my head? I can't help but think that I'm awesome. Maybe I'm lying to myself. Do I truly think that I'm awesome? I can't just be subconsciously trying to make myself feel better, right? 

😐

Question of the day: What's your favorite part of your daily routine?

Have a lovely day :)

Benevolence

    I've been noticing a lot of things lately. I'm not too happy with what I've been noticing. I'm genuinely starting to think that genuine kindness has gone out the window, instead, replaced with absolute malevolence in society. 

    I'm not saying that there isn't kindness in the world. There's so many generous people that I'm incredibly blessed to know. The list goes on forever. I'm just talking about the current state our demography is in right now. 

    I know that the world isn't full of sunshine and rainbows. Not all the time, of course. But it's been pressing down on me for so long.

    I was out for a run a few days ago. Running is fun. I enjoy it. I passed by this group of people who started calling me slurs becase of my skin tone. I felt kinda icky. I've just been feeling icky these past few days. 

    I was out on a walk today early in the morning. I saw not one, not two, but three drunk people out on the streets. They made strange comments regarding me. The icky feeling returned again. I don't feel safe in my own neighborhood. I guess the icky feeling disappeared as soon as I saw this cat. I've been seeing this orange cat almost every day I go for a stroll. He's so friendly. I always bring treats for him. He made the icky feeling go away. 

    Looking back, I've gotten so many comments for being Indian that just made me feel so icky. I remember when I was in elementary school, and I would just get these awful comments for being Indian. I had this "miasmal" cloud around me, according to them. I would always pray to just be a light skin tone or simply just to be white. I guess i've always had a low self-esteem. It doesn't help growing up in such an environment. 

    I always feel so out of place when I'm with other people. I've got like hairy arms and whatever. I stick out and I don't like it. Well, I do. Just not in that way. I can always feel people's eyes burning into me. it's so fricking icky.

    Even when I'm at my temple, I'm always being singled out. People made suggestive comments about me. They won't stop staring. Dude can I just be myself 

    I've been building up tolerance over the years. It's been hard. It's still hard. But i'm trying. It's hard to ignore something like this. I really don't understand all the hate around people. Why do we gotta hate on each other? My dad's always getting weird comments from people. The same with my grandparents. I really don't get the halkte. 

    I'm so glad i have such an amazing and supportive group of friends I've built friendships with. My friends are amazing. They really don't judge. I feel so welcomed and like I belong. I'm so grateful for all of them. 

I understand that I may be blowing all of this out of proportion, but it's just the way I've been feeling. I understand that this has become the new norm and that we need to learn to accept it. I'm just gauging my emotions first. Then I'll be able to accept it. 

I saw three cats today. That made the icky sticky feeling in my stomach go away. The icky sticky-ness was just warmth and butterflies and rainbows. I'm living in my own world for now. Just until I need to grow up and go into the real world. I don't think the real world will be all that bad. 

I'll let go when it's time to. But I gotta absorb it all first. 

Question of the day:

What's a moment from today that you'll never forget?

I would like to come up with a name for him. 

Butterscotch is a pretty name. 

It sounds like "Butters Stotch". 

hmm gee i wish someone could give me some ideas hmm geez

Self discovery

    I think this break has been my "efflorescence". Sometimes, there is salt that deposits on the sides of walls. When the salt starts to crystalize and grow, it's called "efflorescence" The actual meaning of efflorescence is to "blossom" or " to bloom", derived from the Latin word "efflorescere", roughly translating to "a state of blooming". I find it enchanting that there are many other chemistry terms that use such graceful Latin roots.

    I feel that this is the summer of my efflorescence. I like to imagine myself as a flower. These past few years, I have been put into darkness, away from the sunlight. I haven't been given sufficient water, shriveling my uh flower self-up i guess. This year, with great efforts from my family and I, I have been brought back into the light, I've been getting enough water, I'm experiencing an efflorescence. 

  It feels so strange describing myself in such a way. Its fun but its weird. I'm no flower. I like using symbols throughout my life or finding terms and phrases that I find "breathtaking". Such as the term "efflorescence". It's such a beautiful term with so many meanings, able to be interpreted into so many magnificent ways. It fills me with joy :D

   There's a world that's similar to this term, "mondegreen". Mondegreen is when lyrics of a song or poem, a book or speech are interpreted in a different way, giving it a different meaning. It's so beautiful how such expressions exist to explain things we experience as humans that we just can't quite explain in one word. 

   Last year, summer, I was suffering from an eating disorder. Anorexia Nervosa, restricting type, that is. That was probably the lowest point in my eating disorder and my life in general. I was still attending taekwondo and was about to get my black belt. It got so terrible that I had to go to a specialized doctor. She ended up withdrawing me from taekwondo. I was unable to get my black belt. 

   ED (eating disorder NOT erectile disfunction) me was freaked out because I thought that I wouldn't be able to burn calories anymore and that i'd just get fat. So, to compensate, I worked out more. I ate less. 

   About a week or two later, my blood test results came in all weird. I had hormone levels equivalent to that of a six-year-old. I hadn't had my period since uhh February. My BMI was twelve. It was getting so hard to live. I had to go back to my doctor. She told me that she was already searching for open spots in eating disorder facilities because of how bad my condition was. My heart rate was in the low thirties, I had severe orthostatic hypertension because my heart was unable to keep up with me, my bones were so brittle (i had osteopetrosis), I was bruising so much, I lost so so so much hair, it was terrible. Everything I saw was blurry and my mind was being eaten alive like literally.

   I suppose it all began in late 2023. Maybe early 2023. It got worse early 2024. I wasn't even present for the last portion of my school year. I missed grad night because my parents were worried that I wouldn't eat there. Culmination was terrible. Nothing fit me because I had gotten so bad. I spent most of my time either sleeping or just alone. It feels like a fever dream now. I was caught in this hazy fog and being suffocated by it. 

   So yeah i was like pulled out of taekwondo, no black belt, my brothers at home were irritating, my family was so stressed. It was like living hell. I was so confused. I would skip breakfast and lunch. I'd workout for like two straight hours, go for long walks and long bike rides. The only thing I ate was a small dinner. My condition kept worsening. In about late June, I met my therapist. I continuously lied to her about my habits as that negatively impacted me. We were already making arrangements for a facility. I would have to just stay in bed and eat. I'd have no cell phone, no communication, no family or friends, nothing. 

   I asked my doctor for a last chance. I didn't want to give up there. I knew I had so much more to live for, so why wasn't I? Why did I make myself suffer to such a point? My family was constantly losing trust in me, my friends drifted away, and I was losing myself. 

   I started eating more. I still did exercise yeah. It was still bad. But not as bad as before. I had a dietician now. I listened to podcast, tried learning how to crochet, and genuinely tried to get my life back. Eventually like in September, I got a cat. When I got my cat, I feel like that's when I genuinely started to recover inside and out. I ate a good breakfast (i still skipped lunch), good snacks, good dinner. I went for walks now, and I was beginning to rest more. My support team was constantly growing will all the friends I had and it was nice. 

   Then uh one day it all just got weird. I don't know what triggered it but I started cutting. It was gut-wrenching when my parents found out and uh it was a weird part of my recovery.

   Late december, I got my period back after a year. THIS was the moment when I realized that I needed to go all in with my recovery. This was during winter break. It was honestly peak recovery.

    Then, my second semester of school began. I felt like a new person. I had been discovering all these things about myself because I finally had the time to think about things other than restricting food. I had a new haircut (my hair grew it hahehehe), a new attitude, and my brain was fully functioning again. School became so so SO much easier after this and my bonds with people started growing. 

   Now, it's summer again. It's been amazing so far. I've been trying out all these amazing recipes that I could have never dreamt about during my ED, I've been genuinely relaxing and spending time with my loved ones, I've been exploring and discovering so much more about myself that I never could be a part of me and I've been veritably living life. I go on really nice runs now, I do strength training, and I get the honor of eating delicious food DAILY. It's such a blessing omg. This summer is my efflorescence.

   Sometimes, the thoughts of wanting to be thinner and restricting come back. Then I think about that awful sludge or fog that was obstructing my vision and taking over my mind. The thing with eating disorders is that they're never gonna go away. The only thing you can do is keep them at bay. So that's why I try finding outlets to redirect my attention onto like this blog, journaling, my therapist, my friends, etc. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system. 

   Silly serious stuff aside, I hope your summer is full of self-discovery. Maybe putting the phone down for a bit can help. Journaling and talking things out are great ways to discover how your mindset works. Writing out what you like and dislike can aid in your own self-discovery. 

   People will always change. Their mindsets and personalities aren't concrete and it's important to keep that in mind. The same applies to yourself. Just be gentle with yourself and explore what suits you in your current stage of life. 

   im sorry for such a sucky blog post AGAIN i don't think any of them are gonna turn out good tehehehe

Question of the day:

In your own eyes, what makes you unique?

"Rat Race"

 My dad always talks about being a rat race. He says that our lives right now are just spent working, tolerating people, and then dying. I'm not saying he's entirely wrong; there's plenty of truth in his words. But it's not ALL true. 

    Of course, going back to the culture of our world, we're taught to achieve so much at a young age. Social media wants us to be entrepreneur at the age of like - 6. There's a ton of people on social media that our generation and the following generations are looking up to that's harming their mindset in so many ways. Taking Andrew Tate as an example, teaching young men to be on that "grind" and work until they get what they want. He teaches them that what they SHOULD want is money and success. The thing about human nature is that we're naturally greedy. It's in our nature. Once we actually get what we want, we always want more and more, almost as if you were gambling with your assets. 

    It's an amazing thing to be financially stable, succeeding in life, prioritizing certain things, etc. But there are limits that are easily reached, certain things that you cannot prioritize, and how deeply you can get sucked into this cycle of "success". Going back to my dad, I think it's totally alright to have a growth mindset. In fact, I think we should all aim to have one. What we should NOT have is a mindset that focuses on growing to a certain fixed idea, such as money. 

    Simply put, we should let things come and go. Let life happen. Of course, do the best you can in your pursuit in finances and such, but also remember that there is so much more to life, rather than focusing on those things. My dad is constantly searching for new homes in a "better neighborhood", trying to increase his assets, looking into businesses, all of the above and much more. While he's doing that, he is spending time that he could be using to do so much more. I understand that being an adult is difficult and that he doesn't have much time to spare, but I do think that using that time that is spent trying to "better" our "sedentary" lives could be put to better use. 

    I feel that we aren't in a "rat race". Well, we kinda are. But it's very easy to just get out. You just need to stop racing with everyone and go at your pace. Take your time with everything. Put in effort and you WILL reap the fruits of your labor. It takes time. Constantly mulling over being stuck in life and where you are right now will get you nowhere. 

    I hate how our media makes it seem like children and teenagers need to take control of their assets already. I feel like it's amazing how people are already, but it's sad how deeply and easily they are able to get sucked into the world of comercial businesses and such due to what is being enforced upon them. 

    Again. It's a case of living each day like it was your last. If you were to spend an entire day looking at the stock market and died the next day, how sad would that be? You're not gonna be in your grave thinking "Holy moly my sandwich shop made an insane amount of revenue". There's so much more to life than that. 

    This is just a little rant. My dad's been getting way too much into his assets and businesses and commercial finances, all of the matter. I would love to tell him all of this, but I fear he's too deep in already. He won't listen. 

    I was on a walk yesterday and came across this orange tabby cat. I've seen him like two times before. It was such a nice thing to experience. The cat was so friendly and let me pet it and everything. I hope I see him again soon. 

Question of the day:

If your shadow had its own personality, what would it be like?